How Boundaries are Developed:

Trying to be everything for everybody doesn’t work…

Boundaries are not inherited. Each of us needs to develop as truth-telling, responsible, free, and loving people – which is what God wants us to be.

Proverbs 22:6 says that parents should train up their children in the ways of God… and then if they did that well then those children will remain in God as adults…

How did your parents do?

1 John 2:12 – 13 addresses “little children”, “young men”, and “fathers” to represent distinct stages of progression.

Infants and small children are utterly dependant on others to meet their needs.

Our society teaches us that the ultimate goal and expression of maturity is becoming completely independent; able to meet all of your own needs without assistance from anyone else…. This is a lie!

God’s design is for us to arrive at an understanding of interdependence where we all need each other… we need God and the church… and the world needs us!

When does a child’s relationship with a parent become one of adult peers? A parent’s job is to give a child “roots” and “wings”… We can only develop and set boundaries within supportive relationships with God and others.

Genesis 2:18 states “it is not good for man to be alone” and is talking about our need for relationship , not just marriage.

Why is it hard to set boundaries?

When we lack relationship, we have nowhere to go in conflict.

• If we set a boundary, we risk losing the relationship
• If we don’t set a boundary, we are imprisoned by the wishes of someone else

Stages of Development

Bonding or building the relationship

• symbiosis “swimming in closeness”
• “being there” or emotional object constancy
• Ephesians 3:17 speaks of being rooted and established in love

Individualizing

• Hatching – when a child crawls, they crawl away
• Practicing – believing “I can do anything”
• Rapprochement – realizing “I can’t do everything”
• Anger
• Ownership - “Mine” can grown into “stewardship”
• “No”
• setting your own boundaries
• learning to respect other people’s boundaries

Boundaries gone wrong?

Withdrawal from boundaries

Proverbs 27:17 talks about how growth comes from conflict, impact, and even when sparks fly…

It is crucial that even in disagreement, there is not a withdrawal of love.

God loves the sinner; but hates the sin.

Human weakness leads us to believe that we are only lovable under proper behavior and proper conditions… This is another lie!

Hostility against boundaries

This is when others refuse to accept your “No”

Overcontrol

When parents have their children live in a “plastic bubble” insulating them from harm; but never allowing their “feathers to dry”

Lack of Limits

Perfect parenting seems to include a mother’s nurture and a father’s limits. A mother provides the fluid/ liquid “squishy” stuff and the father provides a more rigid container. Water without a glass is a puddle… A glass without water will never satisfy a thirst. Both inputs are needed and that is by God’s design.

Inconsistent Limits

This is often found in alcoholic families or where a parent is bi-polar. Children from these environments never feel safe. They are always waiting “for the other shoe to drop.” James 1:6 describes being like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

Trauma

Abuse, tragedy, accidents, divorce, extreme financial hardship… Normally, children grow up with foundational beliefs that (A) the world is reasonably safe and (B) they have some control over their lives. Children who go through trauma have these foundation beliefs shaken or broken entirely.

Isaiah 61:1 promises that God longs to bind up the broken-hearted.

Our own character traits

Some people are by their nature more confrontational, while others are more shy. These traits will impact a person’s style and ability to set and enforce personal boundaries.

Our own sinfulness

The basic form of sin is resisting being a creature under God, refusing to be humble, a lust for power, seeking to be “in charge”, and refusing to be accountable to anyone.

 

This summarizes what can get in the way of boundaries… next chapter will look at how boundaries should work and how they be developed.